February 23, 2017 by Jeo
Having polar mood swings is a bit confusing. Yesterday, you’re manic, today you’re depressed. I called my depressive mood as the “shutting down.”
Naming something you don’t want is really weird. But, it’s better than calling it by its real name rather than the name that you made for it.
The shutting down. This is the name because after being alive or awake for weeks, my system will suddenly shut down. Nothing will make sense anymore. Nothing will convince you that you’re living. Most importantly, nothing will keep you alive.
It’s like swimming to go to the seashore but never actually arriving there. After the realization comes the giving up. Then comes the drowning. Drowning inside your head. Everyone actually sees you floating, doing nothing, but what you see is different. You’re actually touching the seafloor, already gave up on surviving.
My shutting down is just like that. Already gave up on survival while my Manic mood is just a hallucination because of the thoughts that drowned me.
Just remember, I never wanted to shut down myself, I actually want someone to save me. One problem, how could anyone save you if they don’t see the actual scenario.